


Voiced Secrets

by parachim



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Masturbation, Other, Transgender, getting your partner off with your voice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 13:28:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parachim/pseuds/parachim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trans* Carlos (can be interpreted as FTM or genderqueer/nonbinary) knows that he should tell Cecil about his gender identity but is afraid of the possible negative consequences.  For <a href="http://nightvalecommunitykink.dreamwidth.org/822.html?thread=84022">this</a> kink meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Voiced Secrets

Carlos knew that he should be able to say something. No one in Night Vale was what anyone could ever imagine to call perfectly normal, but that didn’t stop Carlos from continuing to feel the discomfort about himself that had loomed over his head his entire life. Within his first few weeks of living in Night Vale he decided that he wouldn’t bother to tell anyone. He didn’t need to; everyone got his pronouns right, no one dreamed of addressing him with “miss" or “ma’am", and not a single soul asked him what his “real name" was. People saw Carlos just how he wanted himself to be seen and there was nothing problematic about that. Until he started dating Cecil, that was.

Carlos did his best to ignore Cecil’s cooing over him at first. He told himself that Cecil was weird for having such a crush on someone he hardly knew. But Cecil always did seem so genuine and earnest about his feelings. Even though Carlos could tell he was distracted when he called him on the phone to tell him to report on his most recent scientific discoveries, Cecil did still listen and managed to get the message out most of the time. That was more attention than he could get from most people in Night Vale. Besides, Cecil was cute. He had a nice voice over the air that was even nicer in person. He was easy-going and didn’t run around screaming nearly as much as most of the other residents. It was refreshing.

But despite his attraction, he did his best to keep things impersonal between them. “I’m not calling for personal reasons," Carlos would state firmly over the phone whenever he needed to tell something to Cecil to make sure that he could maintain the boundaries he had set up around himself. But those boundaries could not stand up against loneliness and a desperate longing to form a bond with someone else. Carlos told himself that if Cecil really loved him as much as he said he did while he was hosting his radio program that none of his worries should be a problem and that he should be able to tell Cecil about his identity without worry that he would be ridiculed or tossed aside.

That’s what Carlos told himself at least, that right after they started dating he wouldn’t make any effort to hide anything about himself any more. But as things got more and more serious between the two, Carlos had an increasingly difficult time even bringing up the subject. It was hard for him to forget about all the other times he had told people that it hadn’t gone over well. All the names he was called by school bullies and strangers in public places while he was still transitioning still managed to sting him in his memories. Thinking of how his parents and the people who he thought were his friends reacted were even worse. He didn’t want to relive such memories and even more so he didn’t want to lose Cecil.

Carlos conducted times of intimacy between him and Cecil as carefully as possible. Carlos would keep his clothes on without explaining why, just insisting that Cecil deserved all the attention that night as he would unbutton Cecil’s pants. Carlos thought that maybe he would be able to endure his fears of surgery and anaesthesia so that he could have all his pieces of tissue removed that shouldn’t be there and all the parts that he lacked added right where they should be. He would be able to endure the pain and the cost of it all, he tried to tell himself over and over. He had been nervous about starting hormones, but now he was grateful that he did as he admired his facial hair in the mirror. It would be almost exactly like that he continued to assure himself. But he never did call up any surgeons to discuss the procedures that he would need. Even though he was a scientist and knew that any professional doctor would be trained to be just as exacting as he would be in the lab, the idea of being cut up and worked on by strangers while he lay unconscious on a cold table continued to daunt him too much.

He knew the night that Cecil started to unbutton Carlos’ lab coat that he should have stopped him before Cecil’s thin fingers could manage to do anything more. But by the time the lab coat had been discarded on the floor and Cecil was on top of him on the bed, Carlos’ thoughts were already too clouded by lust to say anything about the matter. It was only after Cecil had slid off Carlos’ shirt and simply said “Ah, Carlos, what is this?" that Carlos’ mind snapped back to his usual state.

One of Cecil’s hands was brushing over the tight fabric of Carlos’ binder. Carlos remembered that he hadn’t ever been able to tell Cecil anything about his gender. It struck Carlos that Cecil probably didn’t even know what a binder was. He might not even know anything about transgender people. Carlos started to sweat uncomfortably.

"I-it’s, uh, it helps me to um," Carlos stammered, trying to think of the easiest way to explain the situation.

"It looks uncomfortable," Cecil stated as he thumbed at the straps. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea to wear something tight like this in the desert heat." Cecil quickly proceeded to pull the garment off him before Carlos could protest.

Carlos prepared himself mentally for the comments of disgust that were bound to come. He winced slightly while he waited to be told how disgusting he was and how he was so terrible for lying to Cecil this whole time. But such comments were never said.

"That feels much better, doesn’t it?" Cecil asked, as if he had just given Carlos an ice pack for a bump on his head.

Carlos nodded slowly, trying to get his mind around what was happening. “So you don’t mind?" Carlos asked. Cecil tilted his head to the side like he didn’t understand the question. “You don’t mind that I’m not…I I have," Carlos gestured to his chest, embarrassed.

"Oh? Why would I mind how you look? I always tell you how lovely I think you are. Don’t you listen to my program?" Cecil asked, almost sounding hurt with the last sentence.

"Of course I listen! I listen every single night. But, I mean, I wasn’t born with…with the right parts," Carlos said as his voice fell to a whisper, ashamed of how he was. “Do you think that I should get surgery to look right?" he asked, worrying that maybe that was the only reason Cecil was being so tolerant. Carlos wanted to cry.

"What do you mean ‘to look right?’" Cecil asked, shocked. “You look fine to me. You’re my perfect, beautiful Carlos after all. Nothing could ever be done to make you look any nicer. Besides, since most of the population of Night Vale doesn’t experience pain, the doctors here probably wouldn’t even know what to do if you asked for painkillers after any operation. I wouldn’t want you to hurt for no good reason."

Carlos wasn’t sure if what he was being told was really true or just something that Cecil was making up to make him feel better. Cecil had just the right tone of voice to convince anyone of anything. But either way, Carlos was happy that no one was going to pressure him to go under the scalpel.

While Carlos was still mulling this over, Cecil had started to remove Carlos’ pants intently. “Cecil, are you really sure about this? I mean, the rest of my body probably isn’t going to be anything like you thought it would be," Carlos said, still wary that Cecil might not be fully processing what was happening.

"What do you mean? I showered after gym class in school. I’ve seen all sorts of things, Carlos. Do you have tentacles or barbs or a knot? Trust me, I’ve seen it all. I’ve even seen guys with two dicks - and one of them was prehensile!" Cecil tried to assure him as he slid off Carlos’ pants.

"But I don’t have any of that. I don’t even have a penis at all!" Carlos tried to cover himself but it was too late.

"Oh, is that all you’re worried about? Well, you still have genitals, right?" Cecil’s hand moved between Carlos’ legs.

"I do! But.. please don’t touch them." Carlos recoiled from Cecil’s touch, feeling a wave of dysphoria hit him.

Cecil pulled away, disappointed, but did not try to push the issue any further. Cecil curled up around Carlos’ body and tried to comfort him. “I still think that you are very beautiful, Carlos. Even more beautiful than those mysterious lights that shine in the night sky and pulse all sorts of unnameable colors. I don’t think I could ever tell you how much I really do love you," Cecil said as he squeezed Carlos gently. “Is there anything that I could do for you to make you happy?"

Carlos rolled around to face Cecil. “This is so embarrassing to ask," Carlos said as he pulled up the blankets to cover most of his face. “But your voice is so nice…do you think that you could talk to me while I, um, get myself off?"  
Cecil’s mind stirred in surprise at the request. “What sort of things should I talk about, dear Carlos?"

Carlos lowered the blanket from his face slightly, revealing how flushed he was from embarrassment. “Tell me what it feels like when I do things for you."

Even though Carlos’ language was unusually vague for the exacting scientist, Cecil understood the request and took Carlos tightly into his arms and started speaking softly, in little more than sweet whispers, to the man he loved.

"I love how you touch me - it feels like you want nothing more than to be with me when I feel your fingertips slide down my chest or your lips press against my cheekbone. It all makes my heart pound like nothing else. But one of the things that I adore the most is how warm your skin feels against mine when we’re together." Cecil pulled Carlos in even closer and paused to kiss his beloved’s neck and collarbone briefly.

"But you don’t want to hear about such sweet things forever, do you Carlos? At least, not now." Cecil breathed hot air down the back of Carlos’ neck which sent shivers down his spine out of anticipation. “I can only try to describe how good you are able to make with feel with your lips and your tongue. You tease me so much sometimes—how you kiss right where my legs and torso meet before you even begin to satisfy me by running your tongue slowly up my shaft and take me into your mouth. Only slightly at first, so little that I can hardly be sure if it isn’t just more of your tempting me, before you lower your head down further onto me." Cecil could feel Carlos shifting in his arms, positioning himself in such a way that he could rub himself with ease while still feeling the heat from Cecil’s skin against his own. Carlos’ breathing was steady, if not somewhat harder than usual, as he focused on his task underneath the blankets.

"The way you move your tongue and your head at this same time is almost more than I can stand. You make the hottest little noises the whole time too. Little moans and quick breaths. I try to hold out for as long as I can because I don’t want it to ever have to stop but it’s so hard to hold back." Cecil felt the muscles and tendons in Carlos’ arm working faster and more desperately. Carlos’ previously steady breathing had escalated into quick gasps for air.

Cecil kissed Carlos wherever he was able to reach. He left small, fresh, reddish-purple bruises and the faintest indentation of teeth marks wherever his lips ended up as Carlos’ muscles tensed and shook from climax. Carlos’ free hand dug into the flesh of Cecil’s arm as he continued to quiver from the orgasm.  
The pain did not deter Cecil in the slightest as he continued to tightly hold Carlos as his body became still and steady once more. Several long minutes passed before Carlos was able to form sentences once again. He told Cecil over and over again how wonderful it had been. Carlos sat up after he had spoken many words of praise and insisted that he returned the favor to Cecil. Cecil in turn refused, telling him that too many nights had already gone by where he had gotten so much attention while Carlos had hardly allowed himself any at all. Cecil promised him that it was only fair for him to work on changing that in the days and weeks to come.

Carlos tried to protest but found himself to be too tired to attempt anything with any real conviction and gave into Cecil’s wishes. The two curled up in the center of the bed with the blankets pulled snugly over them as they held each other close. “Goodnight, Carlos, goodnight," Carlos heard Cecil whisper into his ear before they both closed their eyes and gave into the weariness of their bodies.


End file.
